21 weeks and 3 days....

Sorry Aunty, Im posting pics again. I have had too many questions and unnecessary prods of the belly... here it is, or lack thereof... But I swear, we had an ultrasound last week and the boy is healthy and full size, maybe I was just sucking in???

Please take note of the American Apparel faux denim high waisted tights... a must have for all pregnant teeny boppers

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse

I have been a very poor blog writer as of late. There are a few reasons. One of which is the still lack of belly and the lack of nausea, the lack of cravings, okay basically the lack of feeling pregnant. Sure the lil' one still kicks and punches me every few hours, but other than that.... I just feel like me. I am actually having trouble limiting myself in terms of activities, for example sometimes I get a craving to down a Guinness, but then I have to remind myself that there is a lil guy who will get a whole lot more than tipsy for life. And mountain biking, I thought it was a good idea, I sort of still think it is a good idea, but then the other day when I was going down after a steep and horrible climb it clicked to me that 'this might not be the safest pregnant activity'. I haven't been since then. I am sure biking on flat wide trails is no prob but going downhill on narrow single tracks that are a tad slick and adorned with roots and rocks galore, well one slip and that belly is either flying into the handlebars or over them which could be worse. I will be cautious of the next trail that I ride. So this lack of feeling very pregnant has made me not want to write about being pregnant. Really, I don't have anything to complain about and I don't really feel the need to write about positive things (who the hell would want to read flowery shit?), but time is ticking and nothing is being written so I am going to try to write something, anything, positive or not.

The other reason I haven't written is because I have had a cold non-stop for a month straight. No fever, so no worries, but no avail either. I have been plugged up every day and coughing up chunks of phlegm all day. I can't take oil of oregano, no cold medicine, no friggen teas even! I am guzzling water and waiting to get better.

The last reason is because I have ADHD.... and its getting worse and worse with this pregnancy. I am taking my omegas and getting lots of exercise and have very limited amounts of caffeine, but I can't help but crave the relaxing effects of Ritalin, horrible I know. Or maybe it is just the 'placenta brain' that so many speak of. The inability to remember anything a minute later, I can't focus, I can't sit still, I have been reading the same page in my book for the past seven weeks, I am only on page 50!

So that is where I have been, out walking the dog, mountain biking, enjoying the sun, eating good food, running, watching movies, and nothing requiring very much attention at all. Oh I did have one bad dream about leaving my newborn in the front seat of a car for a few hours unattended on the way home from the hospital. I returned to the car in the dream to find my dog smothering my babe... I freaked out a bit. So we bought a car seat. The first big purchase! We also bought about fifty onesies(how do you spell 'onesy'?) in blue. But, we didn't make the mistake most first timers make.... we walked into the store, past the bamboo onesies and the hemp onesies and the brand name onesies into the cost effective aisle, the consignment aisle. There we loaded up on brand new looking onesies priced at $2.00! Upon leaving I glanced at the brand new onesies and was shocked to see that they were priced as high as $35.00. For a piece of clothing the size of my foot.... when perfectly handy onesies were available basically for free one aisle over. Maybe someone can offer a damn good reason why I shouldn't buy second hand baby gear, but until then I will continue my Sally Ann ways and stock up with more for less. My name brand loving Man can drool at Baby Bjorns, but there is no way we will be throwing our cash into that pile. Besides, we recycle, we have been working on reducing, but now we can truly work on the first principle: reuse! I actually made the mistake of titling this blog Recycle Reduce Reuse, when in actuality it should be Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. This makes much more sense, but in our day it is so much easier to start at recycling and make minimal attempts at the other two. Well no longer for us, we are now a Reduce, Reuse and Recycling duo, he has no choice.

I also should mention that this store was fantastic. The staff ranged from new moms to grandmas wanting to stay in 'baby mode' forever. They were knowledgeable and took the time to walk us through the intro to reusable diapers, car seats, strollers, and cribs. They didn't laugh at us, even when we were laughing at ourselves (which made it a bit awkward), but instead offered more and more advice and information. They even told me that the maternity dress I tried on looked horrible, honest but yet so sweet. Check it out if you are ever expecting at Lonsdale and 20th, Boomers and Echoes . And lastly, we left with one very very important article with which I would recommend to all new parents. Especially for men like my Man who have never ever changed a diaper and will be sure to be slower than the bladder of a new baby boy. The pee-pee teepee. Enough said.

20 weeks

Yesterday was the day. I will quote the man because I found his email to his friends slightly amusing:

Subject: so today we had our 20 week ultrasound
Body: All I have to say is 8---------->

He is a child still. We are children having children and his words confirm this. Regardless, the other great news we received and which he omitted, is that the babe is healthy. Not only does he have a penis but he has four limbs, a full brain, a beating heart and proper organs. It was quite a process, this 20 week ultrasound. We were in there for a good hour with the tech, Parm, telling me all about her and her husband starting to talk about having babies, different details of the ultrasound and measurements and then the brief time that the man was allowed in the room to show him the penis, basically.

I am happy. I would be happy with a healthy girl. But I am happy for the child that it is a boy. I will be able to do a better job as a mom. I wouldn't know what to do with a little girl. My mom had two boys before me, and although she was happy to have a girl finally, she was cheap and adorned me in boys clothes entered me in baseball and hockey because we had the gear and basically raised me like her third son except on church days when the dresses would come out. I can't dance, I can't sing, I don't know anything about make up or dating and I don't like gossip and chit chat. I like sports, I still have dreams of being a professional athlete (just haven't picked a sport yet), and I hate talking on the phone. I am happy, and I will force this boy to love all the sports I love and if he decides he wants to sing and dance, well then he's his father's son, what more can I do?

This morning a friend forwarded me a link to her friend's blog which outlines her opinion of what you can and can't do during pregnancy. I was thrilled to see that I am not the only one out there who still wants to live and not spend each day worrying about miscarrying or harming the fetus. I am watching the foods I consume, true. But I am riding my scooter, this weekend I am going xc mountain biking and snowboarding, I am running, I get massages, I fly on airplanes and want to take a big trip before I deliver, I drink coffee, I continue to work in East Hastings and a filthy restaurant, I use a lap top (sometimes on my lap!) and this morning I had deli meat (microwaved until steaming) and loved every minute of it. I am tired of feeling guilty, yet due to my still lack of belly, I have not been scolded by any strangers. I will refrain from doing something if it feels wrong. Thank you pregnant chicken lady for confirming that I am not a horrible person.

19 weeks

My aunt kindly asked me to stop posting pics of me pretending to look like I am pregnant. So I will withhold for a few more weeks until I have something to show. I must admit, there is still nothing there. But the aches and pains, also known as 'round ligament pain' in my lower belly, my pelvis, my back and a few other unmentionable areas, are making me think that I may soon 'pop' as some refer to it. I may have a belly soon. Then these stupid pants that I bought with the stretchy waists up to my boobs will stop slipping off my now chubby, but not pregnant looking belly.

Sicky sick sick sick

I get sick alot. It is usually a mild case of the sniffles with a sore throat and a lil cough. But this is brutal, this is like a tsunami is trying to erupt my rib cage. Constant sneezing, either a pouring nose or its stuffed so bad that I can't even muster a nose breath, and my lips are so cracked and dry from mouth breathing its unbearable. And no drugs. Nada.

I have been getting night sweats and chills, but no temperature of any significance so the babe is fine. Its just me thats suffering without a decongestant or a nice night cap to wipe me out. I tend to rely on motherrisk.org for my safety of drugs information. The few drugs I have been wondering about as of late, do not make the cut on their website which gives me the impression that I shouldn't risk it. I can withstand a week of frazzled headaches and dripping snot if it means my babe won't come out with one arm or one lung or worse no lungs at all. Its the unknown that is scary. I am sure it would be fine to take a swig of oil of oregano, or a tylenol cold and flu just one night, but what if that one night is just too much for the babe, what if its at a key moment in it's development and it flips a switch the wrong way and everything goes wrong? It is the unknown that makes it not worth it. I think perhaps I am starting, already, to put this lil one before me.

In just seven days we find out the gender of this babe. Some people are shocked that I am interested in finding out, that I am somehow killing the surprise. As if finding out if it is a girl or a boy kills the surprise, it is a baby, that is a surprise enough! Plus we need five more months to argue over names and toys and clothes and colours. And I can't spend the next five months writing "it" or "he/she" or "the babe", I'd rather know and simplify my writing at least. To conclude, I hope that one day he or she or it or the babe will thank me for not taking tylenol cold and flu. For saving it's life and sacrificing my breathing, decency, energy and public appearance. Over-dramatic much.

Olympic Spirit (not about pregnancy, got sidetracked)

I am lazy. I am starting to think that I have always been lazy, but now that I am pregnant I am especially lazy. Our city is the host to the 2010 winter games and there are events going on everywhere, many of them for FREE! And I have yet to drag my ass to a single event. Instead I have not been reading, nor have I been writing (as my blog can testify), I have not been pitching stories, working at the restaurant or even walking the dog very much. I have not been very social, I have not been shopping for clothes or baby gear, I have not been running to appointments as much as earlier months, and I have not even been sleeping very much. Where the hell have the days gone?

First off, I need to delete facebook. It is a big waste of time. Or rather it can prove to be a big waste of time if you are vulnerable to procrastination, which I am. Secondly, I need to prioritize my goals each day. Today I woke up late, read the news, went to the dentist for two hours, went to buy some dog stuff at the pet store, walked the dog for a couple hours and then went to a prenatal fitness class for an hour. After that I went to the restaurant (place of employment once weekly), and ate for a few hours. It has been four hours since the work out class ended and I am still sitting here in my workout clothes, even wearing my vest, thinking about how I should get up and refill my water. Where has my energy gone?

Perhaps I am mourning. Actually, I am sure that I am mourning. My first ever pup was put to sleep yesterday. 16 years old. He began having seizures and at first they were a week apart and the vet said he might be okay if they didn't start getting more frequent. They checked his blood work and urine and nothing came back irregular except his platelets. But then he seizured again, four times in the nighttime, each time with my mother holding him alone in the house. She said she decided it was enough when she held him as he shook and his face was bleeding from hitting the wall. She said he had enough. And from across the country I asked her to wait, but I knew that it wasn't my place. I wasn't seeing him the way she was seeing him. Just as she had seen my father deteriorate and I had remained a five hour flight away. So she took him to the vet. And the poor little guy did just the same as always, he tried to escape, he whined and wriggled away from the needle. They said it took three people to hold him down to put him to sleep.

The vet said it was likely a brain tumour or a cyst and it would have gotten worse, much worse, and fast. He was showing signs of dementia, walking in circles, getting lost in corners and falling asleep standing up. After each seizure he was losing more of his motor capabilities. But he was such a trooper. Just yesterday I was looking at him on Skype. Watching his head turn at the sound of my voice, from a million miles away. The poor guy, so close to his end but so unaware. I don't know where he is now. I don't know if he is in a better place. I don't know if he was in any pain at all. And the worst part is, I am not even sure if it was the right time. I don't know if he was ready.

My mother is heart broken. I didn't even think she liked Shadow, let alone would miss him. I don't think she knew she did either until the end. She called me to tell me that she was going to say good bye to him that day, but she choked on the words. I remained stone cold. I said nothing. I didn't know how I felt, until I started writing and now I know. I do feel something. I miss him so much. I wasn't ready for him to go. How can anyone ever be ready to say good bye, and over Skype of all things? I wanted to see him, to hold him, to pet him. I was nine years old when I picked him out at the pet store, and now he died across the country where I deserted him. Poor little guy.

Perhaps, if there is a heaven, my dad and Shadow can be together again. They can go for ridiculously long walks and sit in the sun and watch the water. Perhaps, they are in better places. Perhaps they are not alone. I always said I would be more upset if Shadow died then if anyone else in the whole world died. No one has ever loved me as much and as unconditionally as Shadow did. At 16 years of age, people asked if he was a puppy, he had so much energy and such a bounce to his gait that it could be easily mistaken. And now, he is a corpse, no longer running, no longer playing, no longer mine.

Good bye Shadow.

Irony

So.... I wrote an article, under a pseudonym, many months ago. Many months ago meaning before I was pregnant and engaged. I haven't been able to bring myself to read it in recent months. But today I received an email to announce that it has now been published online. Fabulous. Perhaps you can enjoy the irony and exaggeration a tad more than I can today.